Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
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Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
