Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

he was correct

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min