hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
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Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
BETRAYAL
My birthstone is kidney
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard