Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Not today

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

It’s his time

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut