Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

How about daylight saves us for once

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

when mom throws a party…

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.