Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

Godspeed, John Glenn

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Is this anything

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.