Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
