The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.