Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

Some people were born into their job.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye