doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.