Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

181.

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks