doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
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Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Every BBC series about the universe.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.