Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him