Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
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Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
😂😂😂
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
⚰
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.