Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

Wait a second…

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

April 1st is the class clown of days.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?