Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them