Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
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A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
your daddy is a what now?