Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my cat’s medicine.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.