Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
New comic up. “Ransom”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
being a writer on Twitter:
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.