Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

🚲+physics = winner

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

I triple waxed for this?

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.