DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”