Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Anime is real

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Roses are red
Violets are blue

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…