DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Great acting.. 😂