Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
estão todos miauvindo?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being