Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

These aren’t even hard anymore.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”