Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
My new favorite headline
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
This will never not be funny 😭