Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
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