Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.