Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year