Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

this was very charming

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean