DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal