“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
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Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
WWE is French for “yes”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”