Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.