Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

eating my hot dog hamburger style

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

Basically.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.