Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.