Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Just a bush.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.