Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?