doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Best spot.. 😅
