Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

My boss called in sick of me

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.