Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila