Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

this site is so cooked lol

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.