Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
“Sheer Arrogance”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.