Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
You Might Also Like
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My dad is at it again
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself