Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can. I. Help. You.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Oh yeh? Explain this then

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.