Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you