Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*