Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

Owl Sanctuary

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy