Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

X-tra spooky blend

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.