Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.