Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your man makes a valid point

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

Hero horse inspires millions

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

[the middle of showering] I need a break

My favorite farside!!

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then