DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
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[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
need him
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
umm…
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.