Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Thank you corporation very cool

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”