Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

Ladies, why y’all do this?

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.