Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.