Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

🙏🏾

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.