Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

Oh yeh? Explain this then