Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Good for him.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.