Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month