Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

*aggressively waits in line*

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician