Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

At least my masseuse has my back.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

❤️

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.