Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
emergency phone
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.