Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

😩😩😩

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone