Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

who’s gonna tell her?

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction