Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
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I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
This could be us… but you playing
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
getting groceries
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.