Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that