Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight