Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
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Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me: