doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
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I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”