doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
You Might Also Like
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Bed should get ready for ME
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Hotels are back
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.