Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

who named him groot and not spruce lee

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

imagine getting destroyed like this

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.