Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Worst Native American name ever.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

That 👊

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.