doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.