doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail