Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”