Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

never stops being funny

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

🤣

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

placebo pills? more like sike meds