Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.