Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no